Saturday, April 08, 2006

The Maple Leafs' crotch-kick sundae

An ode to Leaf fandom comes to us from our friends over at
...the Leafs are like an ecstasy-ridden Jessica Simpson behind bulletproof glass — a tease. A phenomenally, ridiculous, cosmic tease. I mean, they've actually played more playoff games than any other franchise in the Pat Quinn era. Detroit and NJ have won five cups between them in that time. This shouldn't even be mathematically possible, but here we are.

Finally, the Leafs are principally owned by the Ontario School Teachers Pension Fund. So, that asshole math teacher that tormented you fifteen years ago is profiting from your yearly misery. That's the kind of attention to detail that you have to respect. The extra, almost unnoticed, Marquis de Sade-esque, exquisite nipple-twist cherry on the crotch-kick sundae.

And hilarity ensues. You know, before I moved to Toronto 2 1/2 years ago, I didn't fully understand the sickness that it was to cheer for the Maple Leafs. Even now, I'm only beginning to grasp its full meaning. (I mean, really, who are these fellows in suits paying $400 per ticket per game? Granted, there are a lot of made-of-money types in this city, but heck, go buy a 911 and walk on the pyramids. Life's too short to rot in the platinums.)

One side of my family is from Toronto, and I'll always remember my now 50-something uncle once saying to me, "the last time my team won, I was 12 years old." At the time, I thought it was going to be one of those awkward conversations that ended in tears and half-hearted consoling.

Crotch-kick sundae, indeed.

Full credit to Chris Young for digging this one up.


At 1:20 p.m., April 08, 2006, Blogger PJ Swenson said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1:21 p.m., April 08, 2006, Blogger PJ Swenson said...

The Bruins last won a Cup 6 months before I was born. America's Maple Leafs?


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