Thursday, February 08, 2007

If I were a hockey player...

I think I'm absolutely the last one to hop on this meme bandwagon, one started by Jes Golbez about two weeks back, but here goes:

Team: Vancouver Canucks
Uniform Number: 2
Position: Defence
Nickname: Mailbox Jamal
Dream Linemate: Bobby Orr
Rounding out the PP: Bones Jackson, Mark Recchi and Cousin BJ (for in front of the net)
Signature Move: Hack, whack and slash
Strengths: Prodigious reach, checking
Weaknesses: Enforcer-like puckhandling
Injury Problems? Multiple shot-blocking wounds
Equipment: Well-worn Tacks, Winnwell gloves, Ferland shin pads, Oilers socks, Louisville pants, Nike elbow pads, a Bauer bucket and, heck, this picture's so old I've even got a neck guard on.
Nemesis: Untruthiness
Scandal Involvement:
Caught betting on Rick Tocchet's indictment date
Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals:
Toronto Maple Leafs
What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory:
Toss it in Mario Lemieux's pool
Would the media love me or hate me?
I can't hate myself, now can I?

A look at other submissions: Eric McErlain, Jamie Fitzpatrick, On the Wings, Mike Chen, Japers' Rink, Islanders Army, Paul Kukla and Behind the Jersey. (Others are welcome to add their own in the comments.)



At 2:23 p.m., February 08, 2007, Blogger sager said...

Team: Toronto Maple Leafs
Uniform Number: 87 (wore it in high school -- long before anyone heard of Sidney Crosby)
Position: Left Wing (far left)
Nickname: Sagzy
Dream Linemates: Paul Kariya and Jaromir Jagr
Rounding out the PP: Nik Lidstrom and Paul Coffey
Signature Move: Scoring off own rebound, getting credit for goals after linemates banked shots off various body parts, text-messaging official scorer to argue for phantom second assists
Strengths: Never shoots from beyond makeable range (8 feet)
Weaknesses: What is this "backchecking" you speak of?
Injury Problems:
Equipment: Easton skates (yeah, I'm dating myself), aluminum stick, Flak shoulder pads and pants, Dad's hand-me-down shinpads, Cooper XL7 helmet and a pair of James Worthy goggles
Nemesis: The post-game exercise bike
Scandal Involvement: Misses regular-season opener due to conflict with Blue Jays playoff game.
Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Calgary
What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory:
Sorry, not even in my wildest dreams do the Leafs win the Cup.

At 2:43 p.m., February 08, 2007, Blogger PPP said...

Boo! You'll dream about the Jays making the playoffs but not a Leafs cup?

At 2:44 p.m., February 08, 2007, Blogger James Mirtle said...

Not a Torontonian, my friend. At least they'd finally make it there.

At 3:04 p.m., February 08, 2007, Anonymous pete said...

What the hell...
Team: Leafs
Number: 12
Position: RW
Nick: Pevsy (that sounds sorta dirty but what can you do)
Linemates: Killer Gilmour at centre, wrist-shot machine Wendel Clark on the wing. I have goosebumps just thinking about this.
Rounding out the PP: Dimitri Yushkevich, Greg Hawgood.
Signature move: Always going backhand on breakaways. ALWAYS. With the invention of videotape replays, this proves to be a problem.
Strengths: Yappy. Scrappy. Excellent passer. Swift of foot.
Weaknesses: Shot power and accuracy that are indirectly proportional to each other. Can't do the "hockey stop" on skates.
Injury problems: Gimpy wrists.
Equipment: Mu uncle Gerard's hand-me-downs, topped up by play it again sports castoffs. Same as now.
Scandal involvement: Killing the ever-loving Christ out of Daniel Alfredsson, ending his career, with an entirely legal open ice hit. I will be nonetheless dogged by "the hit" through my career.
Nemesis: Let's go with Ilya Kovalchuk. I have absolutely no idea why.
Who I'd face in the finals: A well-fought 7-gamer against the Red Wings sounds like fun to me -- unless we could somehow get Ottawa into the Western Conference.
What I'd do with the Cup: Make it the prize in the world's greatest street-hockey tournament on the street where I grew up.

At 3:53 p.m., February 08, 2007, Blogger PPP said...

I meant shame on sager, James. But I am not surprised about your choice though. I think every Canucks/Flames/Oilers fan would love to beat the Leafs in the final.

At 4:04 p.m., February 08, 2007, Blogger sager said...

Difference between dreaming of the Jays in the playoffs and the Leafs winning the Cup: These eyes have actually seen the former happen -- and are a lot more likely to see it again some time soon.

It's a pain that never ends.

At 5:08 p.m., February 08, 2007, Blogger Matthew Macaskill said...

If you face the Leafs, you better beat them!

You can find mine here:


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